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6/28/12 02:01 pm - Then you made it rotten, from perfect enamel.

1. I fell asleep every night dreaming, with all the colors in the world in front of my eyes.

2. Watched birds in the sky, hoped they would carry this message to someone I had not yet met.

3. The birds flew south for the winter. I stayed in bed, slept all the time, nothing happened.

4. Woke up weeks later when one day the color of the sky had changed.

5. Went swimming in the Gulf, my body floated, memory sinking to the bottom of the ocean. I got older.

6. Spring came and I thought things were about to change, nothing happened.

7. This is not a love song. I can still remember the first day we met.

8. Just get out of bed, remember there are nice things, the people at the coffee place know your name, today may be the day, it wasn't.

9. Guess I'm waiting, guess I don't know anymore, guess I'll tell you I'm not impressed by any of this, and of you, ad I'm looking for a way to show the world what it's missing.

10. Took some drugs, came up with all these brilliant plans, would change everything, this is starting over, woke up the next morning more alone, nothing happened.

6/12/12 11:30 am - All the same. So very different.

Another awkward day, a glass of orange juice, my teeth rotting away. It is still light outside but not for long. There are 100 year old pine trees in the distance, they stand tall, strong, noble.

Yes, I am a little envious.

I should have told you my letter would not be there but I was scared. I wish it was always just me and you. I get so scared of everything and nothing sometimes. Sometimes you gotta rip the past apart and forget it ever happened. And sometimes you can't. This is my life, apologizing to ghosts and highways. Close my eyes and plan a new life.

Open my eyes and plan another one.

Tonight will be just another midnight when the knowledge of how cold it can get at four in the morning sinks in. Shut up and hold your breath because that's something to think about.

9/1/11 01:01 am - The happy hour that goes on longer than an hour.

On your birthday I picked flowers I knew I would never send. They are under my bed with a lot of other things we don't like to talk about. On my lips, the cigarette is enough to pass a few minutes, it calms these nerves. A body full of electricity with nothing to light. At night, I don't want to sleep, sleep makes things worse. When I wake up, there will be nothing, your absence, and the scent and sound of rain.

Sometimes even the best dancers, slip and fall.

Strange, one nice moment to pass the time and then it's gone. A lot of those moments are gone, I'm looking for them and god, this is a futile task. I slept comfortably next to you, knowing despite everything, despite how it may seem, and how we wish we could be, our souls were sleeping on the same cloud. I knew you understood everything we couldn't say. I slept comfortably next to you, that meant something.

We can ruin everything with our carelessness. Stupid hands.

The windows are all shut, we need not to worry about the things outside, just the things inside of us, black spiders building webs in our chests. The sun is crooked, like a painting on the wall. I miss nights we've never had, could we pour a drink and fall into it? The television is on, the bed couldn't be any more dangerous. This was supposed to be an adventure, it turned out to be more of a slow realization of all the flies in my body.

We didn't leave much to be won.

A history based on places we stopped to make love. We clouded each other's judgement, overindulged the senses, and suddenly we were far past death on some fucking highway, as tears fell onto the seat. Me and you, we are still hungry, we are still looking for more, I don't know if we will ever be satisfied with what we have. It's making the most, it's seeing how much you can take, it's playing the game just to play.

How many times have we swapped saliva on these pages.

Words are what get me off. Excuse me while I go to the bathroom and change into myself. It's been one of those weeks-- something like a good cup of coffee with the wrong amounts of cream and sugar. It makes it seem like life is a never ending game of Russian Roulette. I honestly have no more hope for us, but for some reason I just can't stop hoping for hope.

This is the happy hour that goes on for longer than an hour.

8/23/11 11:26 pm - To avoid criticism, do nothing, say nothing, be nothing.

This is just a moment, that I captured, for what reason? I don't know. Maybe because right then and there I was happy. I have to try and hold on to moments like that, they are few and far between.

I believe in colors, love, empathy, and being really really nice.
That is about it.

There is a place worth going, I'm on my way, this is the best. Back to the beginning. Back to before you.

I want to be in the sky.
I want to be beautiful, and untouchable, pristine.

10/15/10 05:38 pm

10/8/10 02:18 am - GO HERE GO HERE GO HERE

Because it has a great layout.

9/2/10 01:33 pm - A letter between lovers. (The things we leave unsaid)


It is sunny here,

But not as warm as expected.

Dusty yellow rays bounce off

The shiny red paint

On my car,

But I still shiver.

I never realized how

Cold it could be

In Florida



I, too, am cold.

But for a different reason.

I miss you.

I wish you would come home.

I can still hear your tentative footsteps

Walking through our bedroom.

It still smells like gardenia,

Even though all of the flowers

Have died.

It is brisk here.




Yes, I am aware of your brisk temperatures.

Like the cold tone of your letter.

I made it to the beach today

And let my toes drift lazily

Against the water's edge.

I wore my black bikini.

The one we picked out together

In one of those little stores on the

Jersey boardwalk.

I caught men staring at my

Rounded bottom.

I don't know why I'm telling you this.

I chased the seagulls

Into the foaming surf.

It's so beautiful here.

But I still long for home.

I hope you are keeping occupied.



I am keeping busy.

To distract myself from

Thoughts of your hair

And toes and skin and shoulders

And scent.

I feel your ghost in each

Breath I take, and

I keep thinking I see you

Out of the corner of my eye,

Your lips stretched into a smile.

It was so rare to see you smile

During the past few months.

I wish you were here.

Yes, I'm very busy.



I'm having my lawyer send up the papers.

Please sign them at your earliest convenience.

Why couldn't you just talk to me?

We could have resolved this.

I'm sorry it worked out this way.

Why didn't you just

Love me?



The papers are signed.

I'm sorry.

I wish I could have fixed this,

But I know

I could never be what you need.

I wish I could tell you

How much I love you,

How much I long for you,

How late I stay awake each night

Just thinking of your eyes,

But some things are

Better left



4/17/10 11:26 am - Sound mixes in with love and it forms light.

Did I just say I love you? Did I just prove it?
But nothing happened. A minute went by, I blinked,
i swallowed.
These are the conversations you have with yourself.
Eating breakfast alone at the kitchen table,
it's a special kind of loneliness. raw and unfiltered-
organic, not from concentrate.
It makes eating and swallowing very difficult.
The thrill-- needle in the haystack.
I grab six handfuls of air and fold it into fours.
My lucky charms are getting soggy.
I confide with dust in the air,
my apology like broken glass swept under the rug.
Took a shower and then another.
You've got me like the flu.
I'm always here, I am always right here.
I light up a cigarette and ash in my bowl--
i never really liked cereal anyways.

4/17/10 11:24 am

What am I waiting for?
Spend my life planning the things I'll do,
the person I'll be when the timing is right.
Wake up and you're in your twenties.
Haven't really changed since 19.
Still thinking your life is going to fall in your lap one day like
Oh there you are! I was getting worried!
It's never going to be like that, stupid.

This is all you've got and there is not going to be some magic day where you get to finally put things in their place. This is the universe. This is gravity, you're in orbit. You're constantly moving so don't think you have time to wait around for the next train. This is your train and it's not going to wait for you and your dilly-dallying.

Your excuses, your lack of conviction.

Don't worry about what you're going to do or where you're going. You'll know when you get there. You're capable, adaptable, passed the physical, a-okay.

There are no winners or losers just what you do and what you don't. Everyone is not laughing at you.

What more do you really want than to be moving, to be loving something new. It's never the same. It feels like the first time. This is what we are here for, all bullshit aside.We are here to find people and love them with our whole lives no matter how many people we have been or lost previously. We just want to find that stillness, that warmth. It is all we have ever wanted and we will look for it our whole lives--

every place we go, every person we meet, maybe.. just, maybe.. this is the one.

4/17/10 11:20 am - I don't fish.

I say I like certain things but I don't really like them.
I could tell you that I like go fishing.
I go fishing every day.
I only go fishing because I don't know how to relax and the next time I meet someone I can say

"This is the pond where I fish every day."
"Every day?"
"Every day."

And we would be best friends for at least three weeks.

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